I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize