dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
