My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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