I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
