Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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