The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
