Need sex. Gaining weight.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
