dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
