I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
