We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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