listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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