WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
