I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
