made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It was confusing and full of hummus
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
