i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
