"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My breasts were aching with rage.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
