you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
