i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Let's get the cat blown out
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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