I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
