I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
