My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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