so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
