Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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