There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
