Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
