I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
