Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.