Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
