I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im holly from the hills drunk
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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