They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
