So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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