can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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