Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
