Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
