Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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