My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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