I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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