i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize