If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
