my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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