please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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