so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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