I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
