Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
