Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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