And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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