Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
