Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
