I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
