I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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