you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
