Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
