Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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