just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
