the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
