you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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