The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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