I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
